MY PLAN TO FIX IT ALL

STUPIDS WHO WANT TO DATE HER

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________
BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT___________ IQ_______________ GPA________________

SOCIAL SECURITY #________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ________________

Number of years they have been married ________________

If less than your age, explain
________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY-- I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Best time to interview your:

father? ________________

mother? ________________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:
________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

________________ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

________________

Mother's Signature
________________

Father's Signature

________________

State Representative/Congressman

________________

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating (below).

Parents' Rules for Dating
Your parents' rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peek at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to e ensure e that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gon e out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one b ut her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a sand dune near Kuwait . When the nerve agents effects starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Sincerely - Dad

Total bailout money from the government in bailouts? 8.5 trillion dollars! Less than 5 percent of that went to everyday people! It went to company's and CEO's. Imagine that peeps! 8.5 Trillion dollars! Mr C. wants to go before congress and humbly ask the United States Government for a stimulus package for every hard working American.

Free Heath Care for everyone.
1 million dollar per person that is a working citizen of the United States.

That would be cheaper than 8.5 trillion dollars to company CEO's to pocket! Don't be stupid!

1 comments:

Linda said...: I think you should go do it!!!!

I would like free insurance, where I do not have to worry about getting tests done and that the insurance company will apply it to my deductible and leave me with a bill so high that I fear going to the doctor at all.

Would be nice to have something given to ME for a change! All I seem to be good for is to be taken from.; December 2, 2008 3:07 PM

Real men of genuis? "Stupid"

We all know "Tom" from my space right? On everybody's page, and the creator of my space. But the big question is Tom on everyone's friend list but you never hear a word or comment from him. Is Tom real? That is the question. So here is my friend's rendition of a "Real men of genius radio ad. And until someone hears something from Tom he gets the "Stupid people award of the week! :)

Bud Light Presents: Real Men of Genius
(real men of genius)
Today we salute you, Mr. Myspace Creator, Tom.
(Mr. Myspace creator, Tom)
Who else can create a place where multitudes of people will have your friendship, without as much as a hello in our comment box.
(Tom, you didn’t pop my comment cherry)
What exactly do you do, to not answer your im or send people comments even on their birthday.
(What good are you, anyway)
For a guy who created such a place where we can all become friends and keep you on our list just for fear you will hack us, you are all right.
(Please don’t hack me, Tom)
So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, multitude of the many, because you put the my in MY SPACE. Posted by Lind a
(A place for friends)

SUPERDADSPEAKS IT IS WHAT IT IS!

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