Saturday, April 11, 2009

THE PERFECT EASTER IN THE SOUTH

Well since it is Easter- I will tell a story about- well....Easter! Easter here in the south is very comical as well as interesting. It is only one of couple times that entire family's go to Sunday morning worship in their best duds!

All the little girls and boy's are dressed in Wal-marts finest clothes. Some family's even have the little girls dresses professionally sewn from a pattern in good house keeping magazine that has been laying around the house for twenty years.

It is the only time that you can find a whole gathering of drunks in one place with their hair all slicked back and their best Levis and cowboy boots on. Preachers always have special services because to most of them it will be the only time that they cancollect huge amounts of cash in just a few hours!

The church houses are sparkling clean and extra rolls to toilet paper in the restrooms have been added for the uncontrollably shitters who will sit on the toilet after eating all the food that has been prepared in the fellowship halls.

Peppermints are passed around during the church service like crack cocaine would be at a block party! The peppermints are used to cover the alcohol odor from Saturday nights drinking binges.

Well with all that said! After the preacher tells everyone that they are all going to hell in a hand basket if they voted for OBAMA, the people cry, wipe tears, hug and then they all go and eat while the kids run around like crazy people looking for Easter Eggs that the Easter Bunny left behind while Christ was rising from the dead.

Then they all go home and sleep the Diarrhea off then get up and talk about everyone elses family problems! Joe's son you know is a homosexual-and he had the nerve to show up at church this morning! And OMG did you see the way Sally let her teenage daughter come to church! She looked like a slut! What a disgrace! LOL

Makes you wonder why the world is in trouble huh! Happy Easter Peeps! Love you all!


Dont be stupid!

ATTENTION ALL UNITS! ATTENTION ALL UNITS! EASTER HAS BEEN CANCELLED!

Easter has been cancelled after the Easter Bunny was shot on the front lawn of the White House! Secret Service agents mistook the bunny for George Bush peeping though the windows.

Dont be stupid!

LINDAS VOCABULARY WORD FOR THE DAY

Linda should have been a school teacher.

Linda's word for the day!

Liquidity-Is when you look at your retirement funds and piss in your pants! LOLOLOLOLOLOL! :)
Dont be stupid!

ITS EASTER PEEPS! BELOW IS A RARE PIC OF ME AS A BABY LOL


Happy Easter my friends! Go find lots of Easter Eggs with money in them!

Dont be stupid!

THE TRUTH UNCOVERED BY MR C-HEY OBAMA IM HAVING AN ICE CREAM PARTY YOU ARE INVITED


Dont be stupid!

OPEN LETTER TO PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA

Dear Mr President. My name is Mr C. I am a single father raising four wonderful children. Dustin, Michael Shallon and Ashley. I have never been a big fan of government handouts and bailouts.


I have lived by one simple rule that my Grandfather passed down to me at a very early age in the tobacco fields of North Carolina-you don't work you don't eat.

And it is not surprising news that we Americans love to eat! Some of us love to eat till it kills us (Mcdonalds) LOL. But I said all that to say this-As a single parent struggling for many years just keep the electricity on-Mr C and his children love PIZZA so much Mr President.

I work in Law enforcement as a Detention Officer, I also attend college and run my own part-time business. I have this blog that I write, simply as a way to get things out of my head and express my views on certain things, and well- just to try and justify in my mind the cable bill being drafted out of my checking account every month.

During your campaign I defended you when anyone would say negative things about you. I voted for you- and persuaded many others to do the same thing. I was so distraught by the former President and the things that he allowed to happen to the American People. Mr. Obama if you scroll thought my post from day one you will see first hand what I am talking about.

Although I think you are doing a wonderful job thus far-with the mess that was handed to you-I have one question. I notice that you hosted a pizza party at the White House with St- Louis style pizza that you had while on the campaign trail.

I also read that you invited 140 people to this pizza party. Mr Obama, my youngest daughter Ashley would have really enjoyed a pizza party in the "peoples house", so why did I not get an invitation?I mean after all I do pay taxes and you and I have children around the same ages?

Mr. Obama we have many things in common and I would love to sit and tell you some of the things that the United Stated Government could do without (Government waste). I love Chicago and travel there at least once a month, just to get away! My Favorite place is Millennium park! Oh and there is a little cozy place called Bridgette McNeil's right off Lake shore Drive that I like to go to and have some Irish Cider-It's call Magners! Mr. Obama it is simply awesome

Friday night while you where at the pizza party I was cooking mac-cheese and hot-dogs Mr. President. Ashley and Michael really love it mixed together. You cut the hot dogs in little pieces and fry them in a frying pan, then mix them with the finished Mac and cheese. Yummy Mr P~!

I guess what I am trying to say is-you rock as a President-but I really wanted to come to that Pizza Party. So next time Mr President- You decided to host a party Please invite me and the Children! I will even drive to save the American taxpayers some cash in this rough economy.

In case you would like to contact me my e-mail is gjcollins@yahoo.com . I would be glad to give you some ideas on the "war on crime" since that is what I do for a living! You rock Mr P! Hope to hear from you soon!

Thank You- Superdad. Mr C.

Dont be stupid!

Friday, April 10, 2009

AS THE WORLD GETS STUPIDER

VIENNA (Reuters) – An Austrian woman who bombarded her son with phone calls over a two-and-a-half year period was fined by a court for stalking him, Austrian media reported on Thursday.

The 73-year-old woman, who phoned her son up to 49 times a day was fined 360 euros ($478) by the court in the southern city of Klagenfurt.

"I just wanted to talk to him," the woman told the court, according to Austrian newspaper Kleine Zeitung. "I can't talk to my son, nor my daughter. I've never seen my grandchild -- who is already 15-years-old," she said.

I would simply like to know who in the hell would sue their own mother! LOL-I can think of so many other things to do with my time! YOU ARE STUPID! I hope the next time your cell phone rings (son) you get electrocuted.

Dont be stupid!

STRANGE LIGHTS SPOTTED OVER GEORGE BUSHES TEXAS RANCH

Yahoo Question: I saw in the news that strange lights were seen streaking across the skies of Texas, and the military and FAA said it was not due to aircraft. Do you think space aliens have come to take George Bush back to his home planet?

Mr C Answers: ??? LOL

Thursday, April 9, 2009

NIGHT-ELIE WINSEL

I am not so naive as to believe that this slim volume will change the course of history or shake the conscience of the world. Books no longer have the power they once did.

Those who kept silent yesterday-will remain silent tomorrow.

Excerpt from the winner of the Noble Peace Prize-Elie Wiesel.

Our First act as free men was to throw ourselves onto the provisions. That's all we thought about. No thought of revenge, or of parents. Only the bread.

Peeps! This is a must read.

MR C DEAL OF THE DAY-THE DARK KNIGHT-GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

MR C NEEDS ANGER MANAGEMENT

Yahoo Question: Is it possible for one to cry underneath water?

Mr C answers: Sure it is -when I kick you in the nuts for asking stupid questions!

YAHOO ANSWERS-ARE PEOPLE REALLY THIS STUPID?

Yahoo Question: Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? Shits and pisses on themselves and has nightmares that makes them wake up screaming?

Mr C answers:
For the first time in my life: I'm at a loss for words! But look at it like this-your still stupid.



Hollywood's Largest On-line Gift Store

GREATEST YAHOO ANSWER OF ALL TIME

Yahoo Question: Why is that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad-but when you go for a ride-he wants to stick his face out the window?

Mr C answers: This is not rocket science stupid-the dog gets mad when you blow in his face because you have forgot what a freaking toothbrush is-and you are stupid.




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I WONDER IF LINDA OR BARB CAN ANSWER THESE

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


ANOTHER MR C WANTS TO KNOW QUESTION

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


WHAT IF JIMMY REALLY CRACKED CORN?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
I CARE JIMMY...YOU DESERVE A SONG BUDDY...FUCK THE CRITICS! HERE, HAVE A GATLING GUN...SPILL BLOOD!



Tuesday, April 7, 2009

CARRIE UNDERWOOD YOU ROCK

Carrie Underwood captured entertainer of the year Sunday night at the Academy of Country Music Awards, winning the top honor that has eluded women for nearly a decade.



Congrats to Carrie! You rock! Mr C:)

Dont be stupid!

WHY DOES THIS BOY HUG ME ALL THE TIME?

Yahoo Question: i have a friend who is always coming up to me and hugging me but then when i hug him he always goes OW IT BURNS GET OFF!! does he like me or not?

Mr C answers: No stupid he hates you! But he really does squeezing those Mcdonlds double cheeseburger rolls around your waist! Next time he wants to hug and squeeze on you-let out some gas! He will stop! LOL you are stupid!

Shop CoutureCandy for the Latest Fashion

BUT I STILL HAVENT FOUND WHAT IM LOOKING FOR

Yahoo Question:I want to do a picture of my son in overalls with no shirt & a cowboy hat on, with a cake sitting in from of him & let him dig in and take a CUTE picture for his 1st birthday... I've seen them on the internet, but nowhere around here will do it. I was wondering if anyone had any tips on doing this myself.

Mr C answers! First let me say Yahoo Answers "You suck" LOL now to the stupid who posted this question. You are probably checking your e-mail for answers every hour. Well here is your answer. Pictures that are not staged are better and more original.

Get out your camera and start snapping stupid! LOL You might be surprised what you see if you just take random shots of your baby digging in his birthday cake.

Yo stupid! Get off the internet and go make some memory's-

Dont be stupid!


MR C HAS BEEN VIOLATED ON YAHOO ANSWERS

Below is a copy of the e-mail that Mr C received from Yahoo Answers! LOL I am in violation for using some common sense in answering these questions. It is funny because in the world that we live people are willing to accept such shit as pure stupidity verses common sense answers from people like me:) Mr C.


Well Yahoo Answers! We live in the good ole United States were freedom of speech is something to be valued more than life itself!


Mr C says to Yahoo Answers! In your face! You can't shut me up! And I will be patrolling your site looking for stupid people everyday! Yahoo Answers cannot shut up Mr C-Because I- and I alone own www.iseestupidpeople.net


Hello (gjcollins@ymail.com)

You have posted content to Yahoo! Answers in violation of our Community Guidelines or Terms of Service. As a result, your content has been deleted. Community Guidelines help to keep Yahoo! Answers a safe and useful community, so we appreciate your consideration of its rules.



ONE DAY YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

Peeps, I wrote this paper for my freshman college English class and it was a big hit with my professors-I have kept it for many years and as my children get older and time passes it becomes more precious to me.

"One Day You Will Understand"

My mother was the meanest person on the face of this earth. As a kid no matter how hard I tried, I could not get away with anything. If I got to loud, I'd soon see her backhand on my mouth. My mother was to childhood discipline what Katie Couric is to morning news. I was around 13 when I finally convinced myself that she did not have eyes in the back of her head.


During summer vacations while other kids got to play inside in air condition, My brother and I was forced to play outside in the sweltering heat, with the cows and farm animals, what an injustice! I used to have conversations with myself debating if my mother should be arrested for being so cruel to kids. I mean what kind of parent makes their kid eat tomatoes from the garden, or makes them go to bed hungry because we didn't like a certain dish she had fixed for dinner.



Every time I'd question her sovereign authority, she would always say to me "one day you will understand" I learned to keep my eyes rolled in the back of my head until she finished preaching to me about what I was going to understand one day. I mean, how hard was her life? She made my brother and I clean the house and yard. Sometimes we even had to cook.



"One Day You Will Understand" Whatever!

She had a look that she could give if we were in public that could somehow control me into doing her will without speaking and letting everyone know how horrible she was. I called them glare rays. If I was running up and down the isle at K-mart, doing what the other kids did, she would beam at me, and I would somehow stop. She was an alien. I had the most horrible mother a kid could ever want. She never gave an inch, and I never gave in. I was a warrior! I would not be defeated by such a tyrant! Up until the day I packed my stuff and headed out on my own, I heard those painful words. "One day you will understand"


As I sit here almost twenty years later, in my easy chair trying to relax from a very long day at work, I am tired, my feet, legs, and most of all my head hurts. I want peace and quiet. I imagine myself lying on the beach somewhere, free and very relaxed.


My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of my two youngest children, Michael (6) and Ashley (3) running through the house, yelling and pretending that they are Pokemon characters. I try to tune them out, but it is impossible. I raise from my easy chair and walk toward them fully intending to hand down some hardcore discipline just as "she" had done to me, maybe they will stop this nonsense and let me rest I thought as I approached.


As they see me approaching instead doing the smart thing and stop, their little feet get faster, their shrieks get louder, and I think the color of their eyes changed.


I notice Michael has already reached the far end of the hall leading into a bedroom. Ashley is fast approaching the bedroom door her little legs transform right before my eyes into bicycle spokes, (when they are turning so fast they appear to be going the opposite direction) Michael s laugh has reached record highs, and Ashley's pigtails are now straight out behind her. They look like sticks coming out of the back of her head.


I am thinking to myself that Ashley's is going to ascend into the heavens if she runs any faster. To me all this seems to be happening in slow motion.

Now Michael is screaming at her as Ashley approaches the door "you can't get me, you can't get me" My eyes meet Michael's and I am given a sudden vision of the doom that is about to transpire. Ashley now has Michael in her sights, her hands are outstretched, and her eyes wide open.


Just as she approaches the threshold of the bedroom, Michael in all his creative antics, slams the door right in Ashley's face and she rolls down the hall like a bowling ball, right into my arms. I quickly grab up Ashley and determine that she has survived the aborted takeoff!


I can feel myself morphing into my mean mother, now I am pissed; I am going to show the monsters that am the boss of this house. I forcefully open the bedroom door, only to discover that Michael has escaped through the sliding glass doors leading to the deck. I suddenly realize that I cannot breath. Am I having a heart attack?


I quickly sit on the bed, only to realize that I can't breath because this 50 pound 747 jet that just crashed has a death lock around my neck.As I break her grip and scan through the glass as to the were bouts of Michael. I see him running up the driveway, toward me yelling something and pointing. Once he gets closer, I can hear that he is yelling, "Rosie's loose dad, Rosie's loose."


Rosie has jumped her fence and is running away. I think to myself that I can't have my 230-pound St. Bernard terrorizing the neighborhood! Out of the corner of my eye I see Rosie galloping across the yard headed straight for the neighbors house to eat their cats or whatever else she can fit into her mouth.


I put Ashley down and give chase to Rosie, Jumping off the deck hoping to cut some distance. Three houses later, I transformed into an Olympic sprinter I caught Rosie, now I am drenched in sweat and want to just sit and cry. I walk back to my house and put Rosie back in her lot.


Michael and Ashley have continued playing, but they are on the deck now. Ashley is still trying to fly and Michael is still running from her. I sink to the ground at the edge of Rosie's lot and she licks me through the fence. Tears well up in my eyes, because I am tired and stressed.



At that moment, my parents slowly drive down the drive off to the side of my house, as we share the same driveway. I look up at my mother; she is smiling at me, and waves. I wave back and try to look happy and confident. A light bulb suddenly went off in my head! I can now relate to the meanest mother in the world, "One day you will understand"

Dont be stupid!



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Monday, April 6, 2009

EAT MORE MCDONALDS

CHICAGO – A striking new study says almost 1 in 5 American 4-year-olds is obese, and the rate is alarmingly higher among American Indian children, with nearly a third of them obese. Researchers were surprised to see differences by race at so early an age.

Dont be stupid!


MY GRANDFATHERS COUCH

Today, I moved my grandfathers couch into my home, it is old and tattered-torn in some places, but still very much sit table (I don't know if that is a word)

The story behind this couch I can still remember. I was 9 and granny wanted this couch so bad, all she talked about was this couch. Times where hard for them and my grandfather sacrificed for many months to be able to buy this living room suit for my grandmother. I can still remember the day that we took his old truck to the furniture store to load it up.

Granny was so happy to see it sitting in here living room, all the neighbors came to see my granny's new living room suit. The year was 1979. Now as I look at it sitting in my living room-granny long gone and grandfather sitting in a nursing home not really able to even know what day it is. His life is nothing short of that of an inmate in the county jail. Three square meals a day-and a place to sleep.

His money is gone, his life is almost over. And there is the couch-sitting in my home-nobody in the family wanted it, take it to the landfill they all said-but I know what the couch means.

The things that we worry and fret about in this life end up meaning nothing when it's all said and done. That couch, my grandfather worried, worked extra hours and even sold a tractor that he loved- to buy the couch.

In the end-it meant nothing. But I know what it meant to him.

Folks life is to short to waste it on things that no one will remember. Please do not waste your life on bullshit that means nothing to no one. Get out there, enjoy the beauty that is all around you. Look around and think-Is what you are working so hard for really worth it?

I worked 36 long hours this weekend thinking about the couch and what it means. And as soon as I am done writing this post I am going to curl up on the couch and rest-Today I am not going to take this life and the "material" things too serious.

I can imagine that as my grandfather's in that god forsaken place-he remembers the couch and the sacrifice behind it.

What are we really building in this life?

Dont be stupid!